Why You Keep Spiraling When You Try to Feel Your Feelings
- Katie Albertson
- May 6
- 3 min read
Many people are told they need to “feel their feelings” in order to heal. But often, what looks like emotional processing is actually one of two extremes: overanalyzing emotions or becoming overwhelmed by them.
As a trauma-informed therapist, I often see people getting stuck in these patterns without realizing it. This may leave them feeling more ashamed, more dysregulated, or more emotionally exhausted, even though they were trying hard to process what they were feeling.
True emotional processing is different. It involves regulation, compassion, curiosity, and connection to yourself in the present moment.
Two Common Ways People Mistake Emotional Processing
This happens when someone stays primarily in their thinking mind instead of actually connecting with the emotional experience itself.
It can sound like:
“Why am I like this?”
“Why can’t I just get over this?”
“What’s wrong with me?”
“Why am I reacting so strongly?”
The mind starts analyzing, questioning, and searching for explanations. While self-understanding can be helpful, trying to analyze emotions while emotionally activated often leads to shame spirals and self-criticism.
Instead of creating relief, the emotion becomes bigger and heavier.
People often confuse this kind of overthinking with emotional awareness, but intellectualizing emotions can actually keep us disconnected from what we truly need.
2. Becoming Consumed by Emotions
The opposite extreme is becoming completely overwhelmed by feelings.
This can look like:
emotional flooding
shutting down
spiraling
crying uncontrollably
In these moments, there may be very little grounding, regulation, or self-compassion available. The nervous system becomes overwhelmed, and the emotion takes over completely.
Because the experience feels intensely emotional, people often assume they are processing. But overwhelm is not the same thing as healing.
What Healthy Emotional Processing Actually Looks Like
Healthy emotional processing involves staying connected to yourself while making space for the emotion.
This means:
noticing the feeling
allowing it to exist without judgment
staying grounded in the present moment
responding with compassion rather than criticism
Instead of asking:
“Why am I feeling this way?”
You might gently shift toward:
“This feeling is here right now.”
“It makes sense that I feel this.”
"It's OK for me to feel this."
This approach creates safety inside the nervous system, which allows emotions to move through rather than take over.
Regulation Comes Before Analysis
One of the most important parts of emotional processing is regulation.
If you try to deeply analyze yourself while highly triggered or emotionally activated, it often creates more confusion and overwhelm.
Trigger → analyze → spiral
Instead, emotional healing usually looks more like this:
Trigger → regulate → understand → respond
Regulation can include:
grounding exercises
slowing down
deep breathing
self-compassion
movement
connecting with supportive people
somatic tools that help the body feel safe
Once the nervous system settles, there is more capacity for reflection, insight, and understanding.
Emotions Are Messengers
Our emotions often carry important information.
For example:
sadness may need comfort, care, or support
anger may point to a boundary that needs attention
anxiety may signal a need for safety or grounding
grief may need space, compassion, and presence
When we stop criticizing our emotional experience, we can begin listening to what our feelings are trying to communicate.
Self-Compassion and Reparenting
One helpful way to approach emotions is to imagine the feeling belongs to a younger version of yourself. If a child was sitting in front of you feeling sad, ashamed, scared, or overwhelmed, you likely would not respond with:
“You shouldn’t feel this way.”
“What’s wrong with you?”
“Just get over it.”
You would probably respond with warmth, understanding, and care.
This is often what people mean when they talk about reparenting: learning to relate to our inner emotional world in the way we may have needed growing up.
Learning How to Be With Your Emotions
Emotional processing happens when you allow emotions to move through you with compassion.
Healing often begins when we stop treating emotions as problems to fix and start approaching them with curiosity, compassion, and care.
At Albertson Counselling, I offer trauma-informed online counselling across British Columbia to help people better understand their emotional patterns, regulate their nervous systems, and build a more compassionate relationship with themselves.
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